Monday, September 8, 2008

Red Pill? Blue Pill? Try a Reboot First.

Just like the movie, The Matrix, we are all attached to the mainframe in our professional lives and are completely useless without that connection. Think about it. Have you ever experienced a power outage or a server crash at your work? Notice when it happens, everybody in your office seems to react as if they have just been released from a coma?

They rub their eyes, look around at the office as if to realize for the first time their surroundings. They stare at each other and back at the blank computer screen. They hear birds chirping, see the sunny sky out of their window, seemingly for the first time. Then, confusion sets in. And collectively, not one person can figure out an alternate way of being productive. They walk around aimlessly like zombies, thumbs twiddling and weather discussing.

Or perhaps you've been a customer who is depending upon somebody serving you in some way, when they say "I'm sorry, my computer is down." And then they stare at you with a look that says "there is no way I can possibly do anything for you now and none of it is my fault so leave me alone."

It's all because we don't just need our computers. We REALLY NEED them. It made me start thinking that our computers likely get more attention and interaction with us than do the people we find near and dear to our hearts. So who/what gets more of your attention? Your computer or your significant other? If you think about it, your significant other likely comes in a distant second. Here's why:

Hugging, Touching, Typing
Odds are, your fingertips caress your keyboards for as much as 8 hours a day. You stroke keys likely thousands of times. Now, how many hours per day do you caress or--gulp--stroke your significant other? If you say eight, I applaud your stamina...and call you a liar.

Longing Gaze
Eye contact is an important aspect of a relationship. You stare at your computer for so long, you can feel the burn of its glow in your eyes. You stare at your significant other a fraction of time. Ironically, the both of you likely spend time together not staring at eachother...rather...staring at another screen.

Emotions, Emoticons
Admit it, you've had passionate conversations with your computer. And, by passionate conversations, I mean passionately frustrated and anger-filled rants at a box that has no intention of responding. They usually go like this:

You: What the? Why is it doing this? Did it just freeze up on me?

Computer: (silent)

You: No. No. NO! I can't lose this file! Why are you doing this?

Computer: (slight beep)

You: Why the heck are you doing this to me you S.O.B.! You better CTL+ALT+DEL or I'm throwing you through the window.

Computer: (silent)

You: I hate you. If you were a person, I'd pour sand in your gas tank and punch you in the ear.

Now, let's see the conversation you have when you're significant other crashes (or takes a nap):

Sig Other: I'm gonna take a nap.

You: Okay. I'm gonna hop online an look for shoes.

Hmmm, one seems to have more dedicated emotions than the other.

DOS, Love and Understanding
You understand your computer more than your significant other. You may even know some of the many languages computers speak, like html or other codes. You know how to navigate your system software with ease. You know your computer so well, you can predict its reactions. "I can't run Word and Excel at the same time because it acts up." Your significant other should be so lucky. Sure, you may know how to press a few of the right buttons every now and then, but odds are, you still have completely no idea of how the opposite sex really works.

An Affair to Download
Your computer isn't even enough for you. You need a little something on the side. So, you cheat on your computer with other devices that offer many of the same features your CPU does, just in a smaller package. Perhaps its a web-enabled cellphone, a blackberry, palm pilot, laptop (talk about a double entendre) or video game system, odds are you've got your sweaty little hands all over a little side CPU action. When it comes to your significant other, you know that he/she is everything you will ever need from a mate (and you should). But, unlike your CPU relationship, you actually find times and reasons to get away from your significant other...a day of shopping, fishing, or out with close friends.

Almost all of us are guilty of having more CPU QT than we should. If you want to respond to this post, stroke your keyboard keys or get your hands all over your blackberry to send your response. Or, you can just tell your significant other about email of course.

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