Tuesday, September 30, 2008

That's One Big Loud Cha-CHING!

With all the discussion (i.e. arguing, finger-pointing, political maneuvering, etc) about the $700 Billion dollar bailout bill dominating the news, it got me thinking: What if the government gave me that $700B check? What would I do with all of that money to improve the prosperity of the country?

So, I put together a budget plan, seen below, that I feel will make this nation a better place for everybody:

$60 Billion: Fight Fire With Fire Investment
I would spend $60 Billion on the best lobbyists the world has to offer. I'd even buy up all of the lobbyists currently working in Washington on the behalf of oil companies, pharmaceuticals, insurance companies and other greedy corporations. I would then buy each of my newly hired lobbyist staff a plane ticket to a remote island and have them all stay there permanently. If a new lobbyist is hired by a greedy corporation, I would be sure to buy the new lobbyist out and send him to Sell-Your-Soul Island with the rest of them. I would recoup some of the investment by having a reality television show on the island where lobbyists have to balance on pork barrels.

$30 Billion: Health Care Reality Check Investment
I would buy out the companies or organizations responsible for providing the exceptional level of health care and insurance to our politicians. I would then run that organization just as poorly--if not worse--than the insurance companies the rest of us average Joes have to deal with. "Oh, you an illness, Senator? I'm sorry, you have a $50,000 deductible and can only choose from three non-English speaking doctors with offices that are totally overrun and more than 30 miles from you." Oh yeah, and if Congress votes to give themselves a raise when undeserved, I would raise their deductibles and insurance costs to offset the raise. Think that might give our politicians some perspective?

$500 Billion Tax Rebate (Sans the megarich)
Much has gone around about how the $700B bailout is the equivalent of $2,000 for every American. But if you adjust that number to show what it is for each taxpayer (the people who actually pay taxes every year not adding in children), the number rises to $6,000 per each tax paying citizen. I would offer a $500B Tax Rebate, but would omit the top 1% of earners...which basically includes Bill Gates and corporation CEOs (and accounts for a third of the total tax cut). It's not exact math, but each taxpayer would receive about $9,000. Imagine that! I wonder what they would do with that money? Perhaps pay their mortgages and buy property, in turn stabilizing the economy. Crazy idea I know!

$100 Billion Education Investment
New schools, better budgets and better paid teachers for all. We shouldn't have to trail a communist nation (China) in education. And we need better education so we don't get fooled again.

$30 Billion Real News Investment
I would create a new news network that would have a cable station and newspaper dedicated to providing actual responsible journalism. If a politician says something, my reporters will be there to research it and make sure it's not B.S. Not just ask a bunch of idiots in a room what they thought about what the politician said. Every bill that goes through congress would be researched by the news team and reported daily. If you need news about what the hot fashions are for the Fall Season or what Miley Cyrus is doing these days, you can tune in to the other networks.

That's my two--er--$700B--cents. I think I make some very valid points in my budget that are common sense solutions to our issues, which is exactly why none of this will come to fruition. Do you have some better ideas for how to spend some or all of the $700B? Let me know. Reply to this blog.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I would spend all 700B on a fake war that I dreamed up to get back at the guy that supposedly tried to assassinate my dad. I would try to scare everyone into believing that the country we were attacking had scary weapons that were a serious threat to us.... oops, already been done.