Tuesday, October 7, 2008

10 Random Things That Suck

I thought today's entry would just be a basic assembly of rants on stuff that bug me. For the sake of time, I will limit the following list to 10 rants:

1. Movie Theatre Prices
Not the ticket prices so much. I understand that the money has to come from somewhere in order to pay celebrities enough money to afford makeup artists for their lapdogs. I'm talking about concessions. Popcorn is just corn that's heated up isn't it? How is it that it costs $6 a bag? And, isn't it amazing that a 16 ounce fountain soda costs $79 cents at a gas station and $5 at the movie theatre? My last trip to the movies, I had to fill out a credit application just for a box of Junior Mints and a Sprite.

2. The Word "Movie"
Why do we still use it? Doesn't it sound old fashioned to you? We don't call cars "motorees" do we? We call them cars. Motored carriage hasn't been used for decades. Yet we still use the shortened term for "moving pictures" when we talk about films: movies. I'm surprised we don't call televisions "magic picture boxes." I think we can all agree that the pictures don't actually move. These days, the digital zeros and ones do all of the moving.

3. Crocs
I don't care if you're wearing an Armani suit with them, if you're wearing Crocs you look like a bum. Inevitably, if you tell somebody who has Crocs that they make them look like a Swedish nutjob, the always say the same thing: "oh, but they're soooo comfortable." You know what else is comfortable? Walking around in a robe. But the only people who do it are Hugh Hefner and mental patients.

4. Windshield Cleaners at Gas Stations
What happened to those handy dandy rubber squeegee things at gas stations that has made them suck so much? Every time I use one, it leaves a rainbow-colored grease streak on my windshield. Did they replace the windshield cleaning fluid with ocean water gathered after the Exxon Valdez oil tanker disaster? It's bad enough they're taking $50+ dollars from you each tank, now they give you low grade perks.

5. Candy Canes
Lets' face it. Candy canes are the worst candy of all time. There's a reason that you don't find them in the candy aisle or near the checkout in the candy bins unless it's Christmas time. Because it's like eating your toothpaste. Chalky, an off sweet taste and a minty overload.

6. People Who Can't Make Up Their Mind at the Soda Machine
These people always stand directly in front of the soda machine and ponder all five selections that are the same five selections that have been there since 1991. Meanwhile, a line forms behind the person of several people holding empty cups. Every machine has the same items: brown soda, clear soda, fruit-based soda, root beer, low-cal soda and that little water tab. Yet these people stand there like they're being asked to determine the fate of their lives.

7. Store Clerks that Ask If They Can Help You Find Something
I'm in a specific aisle, looking at specific products in that aisle. I am not confused. Yet, a sales clerk--or associate, team member, or whatever they're called--feels obligated to come over and interrupt me to ask if I need help locating something. "Um, I'm not wandering the aisles in a daze wondering where a certain product is. Clearly, I'm looking straight at what I'm going to purchase. So, No, I don't need help." They must have a minimum quota of can-I-help-you-find-somethings that they have to ask each day.

8. Radio Commercials
Every one of them tries to be funny and none in the history of all time have ever succeeded. Exhibit A: A commercial where a man says to his wife "honey, this memo says I have to see Paige. Who's Paige?" The wife responds: "No, Frank. Seepage. We have seepage in our basement." And I'm thinking, who just writes the word "seepage" all by itself on a memo and expects anybody to get it's meaning?

9. Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee
If you watch Food Network, you know who I'm talking about. If you don't, let me explain: imagine a soulless, Stepford-wife-like, Martha Stewart wanna-be lady telling you how to cook the stuff you buy from a grocery store. "Let's make macaroni and cheese. First, buy a box of Kraft Mac-n-cheese and boil some water. Now add the noodles, Add a dash of garlic salt. That way it's homemade!"

10. Frozen Food Packaging
On the cover of the box, the baked chicken lasagna you just bought looks like it was made by a world-renowned Italian chef using ingredients fresh from the farm and garden. When you pull the lasagna out of the box, it looks like it comes predigested: a pile of slop in a small plastic bowl that lets you know just what it was like to get prison food in the 1940's.

There's my list of ten. Have one to add? Please do and respond to this posting.

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