Thursday, October 2, 2008

Seasoning Salt

We have four seasons every year here in the Midwest, if we're lucky (as sometimes winter consumes spring altogether). With this proverbial changing of the guard, I thought it'd be fun to rank each of the seasons on a 1 to 10 scale, with 10 being a "this weather is way better than sliced bread" and 1 being "May the great hand of Zeus smite you, wretched season!" So, here you go, in order from best to worst:


FALL (AKA AUTUMN)
Rating: 8.7
Pros:
* Weather is usually always moderate. It comes after the unbearable heat of Summer to comfort us like that euphoric feeling you get when you finally break a fever.
* It provides us perfect opportunity to enjoy a cup of hot cocoa or hot apple cider. They're drinks that give your stomach a hug.
* Halloween: It's the only holiday that allows you to walk around dressed as a bumble bee without ending up in a mental hospital.
* Football season starts. Sunday afternoons regain a purpose and facilitate prerequisite lazy day-edness.
* Trees offer an endless palette of colors. And that smell of the leaves burning seems to bring comfort with each inhale.

Cons:
* Always ends up becoming Winter's b*tch. It's the snooze button of seasons.
* Days get shorter and shorter. The Sun begins its annual vacation to the Southern hemisphere where it inevitably eats one too many steak tacos and gets food poisoning.


SPRING (AKA BIZARRO AUTUMN)
Rating: 7.5

Pros:

* Let's winter know that Spring is it's daddy. It crushes the icy grip winter has on us and rids us of all the snow. (Chicago is an exception.)
* Birds chirp and greenery grows. All that winter has smothered rebounds and reminds us that things are going to get better.
* Baseball season begins. Optimism reigns for at least 30 days.
* Cabin Fever no more. A walk outdoors no longer requires wrapping yourself in 19 layers of clothing.

Cons:
* Rain and mud. Carpet cleaner manufacturers rejoice everywhere. The rest of us wonder why umbrellas aren't designed to handle a slight breeze without inverting.
* Spring schizophrenia. Cold and rainy one minute, sunny the next, gusty the minute after that. You have to wear a sweater, bring a jacket and wear those pants that convert into shorts to get by.

SUMMER (AKA STEAMSVILLE)
Rating: 7.1

Pros:
* Long days. Even the sun partakes in the lazy days of summer, staying up past 9 p.m.
* Cook outs. Nothing beats the smell of meat products sizzling on the grill.
* Everybody looks better with a tan. You can lay around in a recumbent tan pose. Your legs might be spread a little wider than they ought to be, but it's okay: it's just tanned you being tanned you.
* Farmers Markets. Vegetables without curious mass-production virus risks.

Cons:
* Too hot. Car seats that could char a slab of ribs. Literally sweating while you are sitting idle is common. The heat overwhelms many into submission, keeping them indoors hugging their air conditioners.
* Kids on vacation. They're everywhere and their parents are driving them everywhere, which means more traffic for all.
* Tornadoes, hurricanes and violent storms visit...and they never offer to help clean up when they leave.
* Baseball season continues....and continues. Hope is gone for many a fan.
* Road construction. Usually exclusively on just the roads you need to use daily.
* 4th of July. Celebrations and picnics are fun. Your neighbors lighting off bottle rockets at 4 a.m. Not so fun.
* Bugs. Everywhere. Including those icky gigantic insects you've never seen before that appear to have 7 wings and opposable thumbs.

WINTER (AKA &*#%)
Rating: 0.3

Pros:
* It eventually goes away.
* Big snows make trees look really cool when the snow coats their branches.

Cons:
* Lets see, perhaps the cold? The frigid, finger-numbing, shiver-inducing and skin burning bitter cold. It's so cold, your eyes cry, even though you're not sad.
* Snow: winters B.M. It dumps on you and swirls around with the mud to become a slushy mess just waiting to penetrate your shoes and freeze your toes.
* Driving. Not so enjoyable when you must worry about your car spinning like Nancy Kerrigan on the ice.
* Kills all things colorful. Grass, leaves, plants and the rest of nature get buried by snow. Birds fly away. It all becomes a white, grey and black muck.
* Sunshine for about 5 hours a day. Vampires rejoice. The rest of us get depressed.

So that's my rating of the seasons. Agree? Disagree? Have something to add? Let me know.

No comments: