Monday, March 9, 2009

Where the Geniuses Roam

I've figured out the reason why there hasn't been a cure for cancer yet. Incomplete research? No. Underfunding? No. Lack of technology? No.

The real reason there hasn't been a cure for cancer--and other diseases for that matter--is that the true geniuses of the world aren't working in the scientific research field. The most intelligent minds in the world don't come near a microscope.

Who are these genius minds I'm referring to? Well, I'll tell you: the people who write jingles for television commercials. They're the most intelligent, brightest minds--true geniuses if you will--of our generation.

You may be wondering why I would attribute such praise and esteem towards this particular group of people. The reason is that there is no other reasonable explanation that those commercial jingles get stuck inside all of our brains unless they were written by Einstein-level mental wizards.

How many of you have caught yourself singing the following songs and have tried desperately to get them out of your head without success:

"Five.....five.....five dollar foooootloooooongs."

"Give me that fillet o'fish. Give me that fiiish."

"Free credit report.com baby.....saw their ad on my TVeee."

"Five-eight-eight-two-three-hundred, Empire."

Now if you read and hear those simple basic jingles, you realize they have no elaborate lyrics or musical structure. They are pretty simply constructed tunes. Yet, despite their simplicity, they lodge themselves into our head and stay there like some Clockwork Orange project gone mass market.

I like to think I'm a reasonably intelligent adult. And I'll even assume you, yourself, have a developed brain that has the capacity to think freely and withstand basic scams, cons and trickery. But the jingle writers, like the mad scientists they are, have figured out an ingenious way to infiltrate our brains and embed songs about websites, carpeting and fast food into our brains.

And I think that if they're able to do that, why not plop them down in front of a microscope or two and see what they can do by way of curing diseases. I bet they'd have it done before lunch and will have already formulated some mind-controlling jingle to promote the cure by the end of the day.

Think this is a stretch? Think I'm just spewing a bunch of bologna? Well, if that's the case, let me ask you: how do you spell bologna?

Uh-huh. Now do you see?