Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Introducing The Human Rules: Things We All Should Obey

I think it's time to put together a book of guidelines and rules that outlines how humans should treat other humans. We could call it The Human Rules. This book would not only focus on common courtesies and manners, but would also address other actions and reactions that are quite obtuse and unnecessary. So, while we're on the subject, I thought I'd get a list of suggestions for the Human Rules Lawbook. Here are 5:

Human Rule #1: 
If There are More than One Humans Walking Down a Busy Sidewalk or in a Crowded Mall, Those Humans are Not Allowed to Spread Out and Walk in a Single Line that Spans the Entire Width of the Walking Area.

You've probably been victim to this before. You're walking--minding your own business--when up ahead, there is an obstacle in your way. A group of people walking in a single line taking up the entire width of the walking space. You keep walking as you're sure they will see any oncoming walkers and appropriately adjust to let said walkers through. But they don't. They're so engulfed in their conversation about reality television or how their boss is lame that even though they look and see you coming, they ignore the issue at hand. Instead, it is you who must adjust, contorting, twisting and swerving to avoid getting trampled.


Human Rule #2:
When a Human is Clearly Acting in a Way that is Generally Jerky, Said Human has No Right to Get Angry When He/She is Confronted.

Example: Human 1 is driving the normal speed limit. Maybe a little over. Human 1 is aware of his/her surroundings and is a good, normal driver. Human 2 is in a massive hurry and decides to tail Human 1 in a manner that is dangerous for both parties involved. Now, Human 1 makes sure not to add to the situation and drives on, being safe and aware. Human 2, however, starts honking the horn, tailing even closer and yelling to nobody in particular. Then Human 2 accidentally hits the back of Human 1's car bumper. They both stop and get out of their cars. Human 2 gets out yelling and screaming, mad and angry--even thought Human 2 is the reason the accident has happened. This behavior should be forever banned.


Human Rule #3:
Humans are Allowed to Not Look at Their Phones for More than 5 Minutes when there is Actual Real Human Interaction Happening.

I think this one is pretty self explanatory.


Human Rule #4:
Humans Must Not Stand Uncomfortably Close to the Person In Front of Them in a Long Line

No matter how close you stand next to the person in front of you, the line will not move any faster. So, please give the person in front of you some space to breathe. 


Human Rule #5:
Humans Must Not Buy Designer Clothing for Infants and Toddlers

No, you're 15-month old does not need a North Face jacket, Gucci pants and Nike sneakers. Unless that is, you enjoy owning expensive clothing that will inevitably be soaked in some sort of spit up, urine or feces. Your child is growing at a rate that will allow any clothing he/she wears to be worn approximately three times. It's the equivalent of buying gold-leaf lined toilet paper. 

Have a Rule to add? Post it to the comments box below.